Chasing Happy – My Weight Is Not a Measure of My Worth

Weight does not equal worth - Merry About Town

Weight does not equal worth - Merry About Town

I will admit it.

I am vain. I love how I look. Mostly. Sometimes. I love that I have long hair that I think is pretty. I love that I have big eyes. I have a picture in my head of what I would love to look like. I do not look like that. You see, that picture is about 25 pounds lighter than I am right now. Yes, I do realize that is a bit crazy and no I am not even trying to get there. You see, I’ve started telling my inner voice that describes that picture to SHUT UP.

Before I knew to call what I feel on a daily basis anxiety, I knew I felt a sick feeling every time I thought about gaining weight or getting old. If I wasn’t “pretty”, would people still like me? Would they still listen to me? Would I still exist? Cue the sick feeling and breathlessness. That feeling often made me put down what I was eating and do something else. In fact, in a period of high stress, I quit eating almost completely. I felt so in control as the pounds fell off. Right up until one of my friends told me that someone asked her if I was sick. Like cancer sick. That was a wakeup call. I started eating again and the pounds came back. I felt better, though, and I was in a better place so I was okay with it.

Mostly.

Every once in a while the feeling came back.

These days, I am doing much better and the anxious feelings are kept at bay by medication. The positive is that I feel so much better. The negative is that the scale is registering more than it has in a LONG time. That little voice comes back and says “you SHOULD care….you SHOULD diet….you SHOULD be thinner” and then┬áthe anxiety feelings break through and I start listening to that voice.

Even though I know that I am more than my weight. I am more than my age and I am more than how I look.

I am a mom.

I am a wife.

I am a friend.

I am good enough.

No matter how much I weigh. Now if I could just tell that little voice to take a hike. One day at a time.

Chasing my happy and chasing my smile because it is my very best feature.

Comments

  1. says

    Anxiety is a b*itch. Sorry for my bluntness.

    Good for you for recognizing that the anxiety is lying to you and that were able to start eating again. I obsess about my weight but have never stopped eating over it.

    But when my anxiety is bad, I lose my appetite and the weight falls off. One time I lost 22lbs. Even though it was the lowest weight I have ever been and I was pleased at the number I saw, I would look in the mirror and not recognize who that person was staring back at me.

  2. says

    Thanks for sharing your feelings. I’ve gained weight on mental health medication, it sucks. But if it’s what your body needs…. You are doing a great job of recognizing what thoughts are real and what are from your anxiety, that’s a big step in the right direction.

  3. Katie S says

    Thanks for being so honest and open. I thought I was the only one with crazy thoughts of self-hatred. I feel like this post was written for me. Some days I look in the mirror and feel great – not perfect – but very content with myself. And then one day out of the blue I’ll look at myself and all good positive thoughts about myself deteriorate and I avoid looking in the mirror. And like you, I worry, because I know that it is likely my body will gain weight and go through more changes as I get older. It is most definitely a challenge to make peace with yourself and who you are and to LOVE yourself. The good news is, from the other comments I see, you can find support and encouragement from others who feel the same! I will go out on a limb and be corny and say that you are GREAT and I don’t care what you look like. To quote the movie The Help – “You is smart, you is kind, you is important”. Maybe people like us should recite that to ourselves daily!

  4. says

    Keep on repeating those positive messages to yourself, Merry! My daughter has severe anxiety and I know that one of the toughest struggles is to ignore the little voice that comes from anxiety and replace it with a voice that comes from your logical brain. I often have to remind my girl to “bully back” her anxiety…because that’s what it is: a bully. Good for you for standing up to it! You’re beautiful inside and out, at any weight. Remember that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *