What is Anxiety Like? My Struggle With Anxiety
I'm republishing this look into the questions "What is Anxiety Like" for Bell Let's Talk Day 2019. Over the years, I have had many people reach out and thank me for writing about my struggle with anxiety. The common thread among the comments and emails is that they thought they were the only ones. They felt like they were the only ones who felt hopeless or not enough or angry. Please believe me when I say, you are not alone. You are enough and you are more than your anxiety. Talk to someone, get the help you need and reach out. This post was first published in October of 2013.
What is Anxiety Like?
My heart is pounding and I have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm also breathing faster and a bit shallower. All because I am writing a post about something that I've kept hidden from myself and others for years.
Anxiety.
It has been a part of my psyche for so long that I honestly never knew it had a name. I always thought people felt those feelings when someone questioned their work or when they were in a stressful situation. It feels like that fight or flight feeling that people mention. For years I have felt it and I always resorted to the FIGHT response. I fought with everyone about everything. Any disagreement felt like a personal attack and the only way to quiet that feeling inside was to fight. If I'm honest though, it never quieted it for very long.
When I think back, I think I've felt this way since I was a little girl but it got worse....much worse...after Evan was born. Being a new mom and being convinced that I wouldn't be able to keep Evan alive (sad, neurotic but true) ate me up inside. I would love to tell you that it got better after he got older but I would be lying. It just got worse. Add to that the stress at work, normal issues with marriage, parenting, step-parenting and more and I was a basket case.
However, I never called it anxiety. I just called it ANGRY. Yep. I was mad at everything and everybody. I'm sure I was a real peach to be around. I could not explain why I was so angry about even the smallest mundane issues but I was. It was causing issues in so many ways in so many circumstances. In April, I quit my job hoping that I would find some relief. It helped but the feelings were still there.
Finding Answers: Anxiety Diagnosis
One day I wrote to a friend of mine and said: "I don't know what to do but I am SO DAMN ANGRY ALL THE TIME!" She said "Do you think you have anxiety? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. It can't hurt."
I made an appointment for the next day so that I wouldn't talk myself out of it. I've always prided myself in just sucking it up. I've been through a lot in my life and I've never "needed" "help". Uh huh...right. The next day I went into the doctor's office and explained what I was feeling. They boiled it down to anxiety was causing me to be irritable. It was such an understatement that I almost laughed out loud. I reminded myself that no matter what they called it, it needed to change. Less than an hour later I left with a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.
Meds.
Sigh. I am not a card-carrying member of better living through pharmaceuticals. I pretty much take Advil and that's it. However, I sucked it up and took them. At first, they made me nauseous and tired all the time. Thankfully nausea went away within a few days, unfortunately, the tiredness did not. However, the change to my psyche after a few weeks was amazing. I am happy. I don't yell as much (I still yell...hell I always will). When people disagree with me I think "um...okay...maybe they are right". Dewey says the whole thing is a bit alien invasion at times which always makes me laugh.
So why am I telling you this?
I believe that mental illnesses like anxiety are real and they are illnesses. There should NOT be a stigma around them that keeps people like me white knuckling through their lives. Taking a medication that makes you a better wife/mom/stepmom/person should be OKAY and not something that we need to keep hidden. I am proud to say that I am getting my anxiety under control with the help of a tiny white pill.
You can read more about my struggle in my posts Living With Anxiety aka Anxiety is an Asshole and The Lonely Side of Anxiety.
Anxiety Facts
- Definition: Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by chronic feelings of excessive worry and anxiety without a specific cause. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder often feel on edge, tense, and jittery. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder may worry about minor things, daily events, or the future. These feelings are accompanied by physical complaints such as elevated blood pressure, increased heart rate, muscle tension, sweating, and shaking. from About.com
- The Public Health Agency of Canada says "Combined anxiety disorders affect approximately 12% of Canadians: about 9% of men and 16% of women during a one-year period. As a group, anxiety disorders represent the most common of all mental illnesses."
- Women are twice as likely to suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (what I have) as men.
Anxiety Symptoms
from MayoClinic.org.
- Feeling nervous, restless or tense
- Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
- Having an increased heart rate
- Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
- Sweating
- Trembling
- Feeling weak or tired
- Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
- Having trouble sleeping
- Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
- Having difficulty controlling worry
- Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety
Almost 6 years later and I am still on my anxiety medication. I would love to tell you that everything is all better and I never struggle anymore. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Meds make my struggle with anxiety bearable. Knowing why I feel the way I do lets me look at my feelings logically and move on from them. Day to day life is hard. Today, I am happier to say that it is made a bit easier by the knowledge of "what is anxiety like" and how it makes my brain react to situations.
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Thanks for sharing your story, Merry. I'm a big advocate for mental illness ad addiction illness as so many people don't think it's a "real" disease. It can destroy lives and families and I'm so glad that you've sought help 🙂
Thanks for being brave and sharing, Merry!
This is a beautifully written piece. Thank you for sharing and for talking about it.
Oh gosh! I'm so happy you saw someone and are feeling better. Most of my life I've just spent living with it. I figured it was just me. That's the way I was wired and while that's true I really don't have to live my life "white knuckling" it. I have managed... by a total fluke.... to figure out what works to help me lower my anxiety. I've spent time talking to my favourite mental health professional and she helps keep me on track if I start to lose my way. We all need to start talking about it more. Beautifully written. Hugs to you.
I think I will start therapy at some point too. I needed to get to a place where I COULD talk about it before I could even do that. I'm glad I got to a place that I could at least ask for help. Thank you for sharing here. It is amazing how many people suffer anxiety.
thanks so much for telling your story...i have worked in mental health for many years and have suffer from anxiety myself...there is a history of mental health in my family and i have seen a great deal of grief as a result of never knowing what it was and why people were the way they were...having come into this field of work and gaining a better understanding of myself and my loved ones as well as the many people all around us who struggle in silence, i could not agree with u more that it is important to talk about it, address it and ask for help. i am so grateful that people like yourself are willing to speak out about this personal and difficult subject. As i was reading through your story i thought for a moment u might know me from somewhere...ha!ha! i was such a rageful person for so lone and everyone around me suffered, it affected my family and interfered in eveything i attempted to do right. i still struggle, however am not the person i used to be and have found what works for me to keep me centered. I am grateful for how i am better able to get through each day now, but not without regrets, i hope because of those like yourself who will speak out and raise awareness will be able to help others sooner accept and recognize there is a problem and seek help earlier so to avoid a life time of regrets.
Well said and I totally agree. I have so many regrets but I know that I have to let them go and just keep moving forward and try to make my life better going forward.
Thank you for sharing your story! There is such a bad stimga around anxiety/depression and the likes when SO many people suffer from the afflictions. It brings such power to others to speak up about their troubles when they see others doing the same!
That was the reason I finally shared. It was so important to me that my friend shared with me. It made me realize that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't alone.
I can totally relate. I have anxiety and over the years it got worse and worse. I could no longer live like this so I finally admitted it to my family and booked a doctors appointment. I told her I am crazy and she explained to me that I am not. I got diagnosed with anxiety and ocd brought on by anxiety. I hate medication but accepted it. I am so happy I did. I am a completely different person and life is so much better now. I can finally say I am a good mother, good wife and loving life.
good for you for going to do something about it and having the friends and family that support you. we have a lot of mental illness on both sides of the family, so it is definitely not a dirty word for us, and is actually something that we are very conscious of. "Maybe you need to go talk to someone." is something that is common place in our house. I know I will be a little hyper sensitive with the jellybean, maybe looking too hard, but it strikes early in our experience. And I am not shy at all to tell my friends that perhaps they can get some help either by talking to someone, or getting some meds, or both. Mental illness really must come out from under the shame rug.
Oh man - I feel for you! I'm right there with you. I've suffered anxiety all of my life too and would you believe that I STILL haven't gone to the doctor about it. Like you, I don't like to take meds if I don't have to and I already have to take migraine meds so I'm kind of maxed out in that department (comfort level wise).
My daughter has exhibited the "anger" side of anxiety and we are working through it, but at 8, it is VERY challenging.
I really should go talk to my doc about it, shouldn't I?
Thanks for your vulnerability here Merry. I, too, have anxiety (it's better than it used to be) and was on meds for it. Take good care.
Thank you for commenting, Kathy. I still struggle with it but I think it has gotten better.
You are AWESOME for sharing this! I have the opposite response of FLIGHT, but I totally get it. And yes, when I look back on my life, I too realize I was pretty much always like this from childhood. Cognitive behaviour therapy also helped me quite a bit with dealing with various "episodes". I resented the idea of going at first, but it has turned out to be skills and coping mechanisms I can fall back on whenever/wherever I am. That, and knowing where all the bathrooms are...
Merry, I just read this. Thanks for being so open and sharing your story. You are right, mental illness of all varieties needs to be discussed and treated in any way that we can to help. Lately, I have been feeling all those anxious feelings you have been talking about. It really is horrible. Thankfully, through some meditation (I know!) and other practices, it is helping for now. It is bloody awful. As moms, women, and just human beings there is enough stress to carry around as it is. So, thanks again so much for sharing your story. It was just what I needed this morning:) Happy to hear that you are getting what you need and are feeling better.