My heart is pounding and I have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I’m also breathing faster and a bit shallower. All because I am writing a post about something that I’ve kept hidden from myself and others for years.
Anxiety.
It has been a part of my psyche for so long that I honestly never knew it had a name. I always thought people felt those feelings when someone questioned their work or when they were in a stressful situation. It feels like that fight or flight feeling that people mention. For years I have felt it and I always resorted to the FIGHT response. I fought with everyone about everything. Any disagreement felt like a personal attack and the only way to quiet that feeling inside was to fight. If I’m honest though, it never quieted it for very long.
When I think back, I think I’ve felt this way since I was a little girl but it got worse….much worse…after Evan was born. Being a new mom and being convinced that I wouldn’t be able to keep Evan alive (sad, neurotic but true) ate me up inside. I would love to tell you that it got better after he got older but I would be lying. It just got worse. Add to that the stress at work, normal issues with marriage, parenting, stepparenting and more and I was a basket case.
However, I never called it anxiety. I just called it ANGRY. Yep. I was mad at everything and everybody. I’m sure I was a real peach to be around. I could not explain why I was so angry about even the smallest mundane issues but I was. It was causing issues in so many ways in so may circumstances. In April, I quit my job hoping that I would find some relief. It helped but the feelings were still there.
One day I wrote to a friend of mine and said “I don’t know what to do but I am SO DAMN ANGRY ALL THE TIME!” She said “Do you think you have anxiety? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. It can’t hurt.”
I made an appointment for the next day so that I wouldn’t talk myself out of it. I’ve always prided myself in just sucking it up. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I’ve never “needed” “help”. Uh huh…right. The next day I went in to the doctor’s office and explained what I was feeling. They boiled it down to anxiety was causing me to be irritable. It was such an understatement that I almost laughed out loud. I reminded myself that no matter what they called it, it needed to change. Less than an hour later I left with a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.
Meds.
Sigh. I am not a card carrying member of the proponents for better living through pharmaceuticals. I pretty much take Advil and that’s it. However, I sucked it up and took them. At first they made me nauseous and tired all the time. Thankfully the nausea went away within a few days, unfortunately the tiredness did not. However, the change to my psyche after a few weeks was amazing. I am happy. I don’t yell as much (I still yell…hell I always will). When people disagree with me I think “um…okay…maybe they are right”. Dewey says the whole thing is a bit alien invasion at times which always makes me laugh.
So why am I telling you this?
I believe that mental illnesses like anxiety are real and they are illnesses. There should NOT be a stigma around them that keeps people like me white knuckling through their lives. Taking a medication that makes you a better wife, mom, stepmom, person should be OKAY and not something that we need to keep hidden. I am proud to say that I am getting my anxiety under control with the help of a tiny white pill.
A bit about Anxiety:
- Definition: Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by chronic feelings of excessive worry and anxiety without a specific cause. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder often feel on edge, tense, and jittery. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder may worry about minor things, daily events, or the future. These feelings are accompanied by physical complaints such as elevated blood pressure, increased heart rate, muscle tension, sweating, and shaking. from About.com
- The Public Health Agency of Canada says “Combined anxiety disorders affect approximately 12% of Canadians: about 9% of men and 16% of women during a one-year period. As a group, anxiety disorders represent the most common of all mental illnesses.”
- Women are twice as likely to suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (what I have) as men.
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
Nanica Brown says
Thanks for sharing this. My family has a huge history of anxiety, mental illness and self medicating. Mine is untreated because I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone else’s and I am worried about the side effects of taking medication.
But I’ll be the first to admit that I am a basket case a lot of the time, I sleep poorly, I feel like I am failing everyone most of the time and I am also angry, so very angry especially when I am stressed but I never really associated it with my anxiety. Maybe it’s time to take a trip to my doctor.
Merry says
I never made the connection either. I thought “This can’t be anxiety. Anxiety means you are afraid.” Little did I know that anxiety presenting itself as anger is actually pretty common.
Heathercoo says
I too suffer from anxiety and just recently FINALLY started counseling to get help with it. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember and it manifested in me the same way it did you. I was ANGRY and so very irrational with my thoughts. The fight or flight response is exactly what would happen with me. Just last night something bothered me that really shouldn’t have and I broke down. I cried and cried frustrated tears at the feeling that I couldn’t express myself properly and I was pushing so many people away. I told my psychiatrist that I was afraid to get rid of my anxiety because it’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t know how I will be as a person without it and that scares me and ironically gives me anxiety.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and reminding me that I’m not the only person who suffers with anxiety.
Merry says
You definitely aren’t the only one! Amazingly with my anxiety calmed down I feel more myself than I have in years. I was the same as you in that I was afraid that it would change me to the point that I would become another person. My husband says I am very different mostly because I let things roll off my back that would have caused a fight before. From my perspective, it just feels like I’m not freaking out all the time which is awesome. Hugs to you and good luck on your journey.
Heathercoo says
Thank you and good luck to you too!
Jody Robbins says
I think you’re incredibly brave to share this. Hopefully it feels like a weight off your shoulder. I don’t think secrets help anyone. The more we communicate, the more help you can offer to others. Proud of you!
Merry says
Thank you, Jody. I agree…secrets help no one. It’s still hard to talk about though because there are real stigmas associated with mental health issues in society.
Voula Martin says
Thanks for sharing Merry, its so hard to put something so personal out there and you did it!
Kyla@Mommy's Weird says
You are very brave. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how many people you have helped.
Alyssa says
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story so openly. (Hugs) it’s never easy.
Erin says
In my extended family, anxiety is so common that we even have our own little name for it. For years though, no one really talked about it. It’s only been with the next generation being more open about their own experiences that we’ve realized we have nothing to gain by keeping it hidden anymore. In fact, being able to talk about it and knowing you’re not alone has made it easier to manage, I think.
Dana says
I empathize with you a lot on this Merry. I have a lot of anxiety too. Usually I manage to cope with it fairly well. Sometimes though when I have additional stresses causing me anxiety, I’ll have that real anger too. Knowing where it’s coming from helps me manage it, and not get so panicky and angry with how I’m dealing with things on top of the anxiety itself. Hearing people’s stories like you have helped me identify what I’m going through and help me see that I may need help at some point and that’s okay.
Sheri says
I am so proud of you for sharing this Merry. My family has a history of depression and it is so hard when your worst enemy is yourself. I am glad you took the step and got the help you needed to fight it. Sending lots of love.
Heather says
I’m so very proud of you Merry.
Andria says
I am so glad I was pointed in the direction of this post! While my anxiety hasn’t brought me to the level of taking medication for it, it’s a very real struggle every day and there IS such an unfortunate stigma surrounding it. You mention panic attack enough times and people start to think you’re crying wolf. Unfortunately for some of us, panic attacks aren’t a one time thing, and the wolf is very real. Thank you for sharing. I am happy you have found something that works for you!
Donna says
Merry,
I have anxiety too. In the past year the doctor put me on Paxil and it’s helped immensely. At first I was on the control release one. But I eventually moved to the regular one and take it at night before bed. That seems to help some.
So proud of you for writing this post. It’s very encouraging and who knows how many you have encouraged to get help because of it.
Michelle says
Those, like you, who choose to bring their battles public like this are warriors. Applauding you!
Summer says
Thank you merry for posting this! I really needed it I’ve been hiding and dealing with a lot lately and feeling guilty for feeling this way I finally went to the doctor a few weeks ago they diagnosed me with OCD. I truly feel unworthy or awful about myself for things out of my control but I’m starting to feel some better after I started my medication!
Merry says
Oh Summer…Hugs to you! I’m so glad I posted it. It is so hard to feel alone and like you are the only “crazy” one. I totally felt that all the time and I had no idea what to do. It definitely helps whey you find out that there are people around that are going through the same thing. I am so glad you are starting to feel better!
Tiffany says
Thanks for sharing this. You are amazing. I suffer from anxiety and have a social phobia that at the worst of times, has made me unable to leave the house for weeks.
For so long, I was just written off as moody because in my culture; it’s almost taboo to talk about mental health issues. I was aware of my problem, but fearful of how to approach it. It’s not something I could talk about with my Mom until I was an adult, because it made her so uncomfortable if I even so much as broached the subject.
I’m much better now, but still have my off days. I’m so glad you’re getting the help you need!
Lots of love.
Ashley A says
Hi Mary,
Thank you for sharing. Mental illness has been a huge part of my life, my sister recently started a blog to build more awareness out of it. I am really proud of her.
http://mentalhealthmama.wordpress.com/
Thanks
Ashley
Brandy says
I am so proud of you for sharing your experience and struggle with anxiety. I suffer from the same, generalized anxiety disorder. I believe I have had it my entire life but never thought I would have the same disorder my mom had.
I’ve written about my experiences a few times on my blog.
I am always here if you need someone to vent to or a shoulder to lean on.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger says
Applauding you. Anger as a symptom of an underlying mental health issue is so common, and so underestimated. I’m glad you got some help.
Karen Humphrey says
Big hugs to you, Merry. Anxiety is in our family, too. Kevin has struggled with it for years, and my Mom has had anxiety as long as I remember. Growing up was hard because she, like you described, would be happy and then outright angry for seemingly no reason.
I discovered that I have anxiety tendencies too, but as I’ve gotten older I figured out what triggered it, what feeds it, and how to control it. I still have off days (especially when I’m PMSing), but so far so good. I’m not looking forward to menopause.
I think being aware and doing something about it is important, and I’m so glad that you found what works for you. Talking about it helps!
Sarah Galvin (All Our Fingers in the Pie)s says
The more people open up about mental illness, hopefully, the less it will be stimatized. I grew up with a schizophrenic mother and the stigma was a huge stress on us as children.
Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] says
Thanks for sharing your story, Merry. I’m a big advocate for mental illness ad addiction illness as so many people don’t think it’s a “real” disease. It can destroy lives and families and I’m so glad that you’ve sought help 🙂
Misty says
Thanks for being brave and sharing, Merry!
SamiJoe says
This is a beautifully written piece. Thank you for sharing and for talking about it.
Shan says
Oh gosh! I’m so happy you saw someone and are feeling better. Most of my life I’ve just spent living with it. I figured it was just me. That’s the way I was wired and while that’s true I really don’t have to live my life “white knuckling” it. I have managed… by a total fluke…. to figure out what works to help me lower my anxiety. I’ve spent time talking to my favourite mental health professional and she helps keep me on track if I start to lose my way. We all need to start talking about it more. Beautifully written. Hugs to you.
Merry says
I think I will start therapy at some point too. I needed to get to a place where I COULD talk about it before I could even do that. I’m glad I got to a place that I could at least ask for help. Thank you for sharing here. It is amazing how many people suffer anxiety.
hell says
thanks so much for telling your story…i have worked in mental health for many years and have suffer from anxiety myself…there is a history of mental health in my family and i have seen a great deal of grief as a result of never knowing what it was and why people were the way they were…having come into this field of work and gaining a better understanding of myself and my loved ones as well as the many people all around us who struggle in silence, i could not agree with u more that it is important to talk about it, address it and ask for help. i am so grateful that people like yourself are willing to speak out about this personal and difficult subject. As i was reading through your story i thought for a moment u might know me from somewhere…ha!ha! i was such a rageful person for so lone and everyone around me suffered, it affected my family and interfered in eveything i attempted to do right. i still struggle, however am not the person i used to be and have found what works for me to keep me centered. I am grateful for how i am better able to get through each day now, but not without regrets, i hope because of those like yourself who will speak out and raise awareness will be able to help others sooner accept and recognize there is a problem and seek help earlier so to avoid a life time of regrets.
Merry says
Well said and I totally agree. I have so many regrets but I know that I have to let them go and just keep moving forward and try to make my life better going forward.
Soozle says
Thank you for sharing your story! There is such a bad stimga around anxiety/depression and the likes when SO many people suffer from the afflictions. It brings such power to others to speak up about their troubles when they see others doing the same!
Merry says
That was the reason I finally shared. It was so important to me that my friend shared with me. It made me realize that I wasn’t crazy and I wasn’t alone.
Nolie says
I can totally relate. I have anxiety and over the years it got worse and worse. I could no longer live like this so I finally admitted it to my family and booked a doctors appointment. I told her I am crazy and she explained to me that I am not. I got diagnosed with anxiety and ocd brought on by anxiety. I hate medication but accepted it. I am so happy I did. I am a completely different person and life is so much better now. I can finally say I am a good mother, good wife and loving life.
smothermother says
good for you for going to do something about it and having the friends and family that support you. we have a lot of mental illness on both sides of the family, so it is definitely not a dirty word for us, and is actually something that we are very conscious of. “Maybe you need to go talk to someone.” is something that is common place in our house. I know I will be a little hyper sensitive with the jellybean, maybe looking too hard, but it strikes early in our experience. And I am not shy at all to tell my friends that perhaps they can get some help either by talking to someone, or getting some meds, or both. Mental illness really must come out from under the shame rug.
Amanda ~MultiTestingMom says
Oh man – I feel for you! I’m right there with you. I’ve suffered anxiety all of my life too and would you believe that I STILL haven’t gone to the doctor about it. Like you, I don’t like to take meds if I don’t have to and I already have to take migraine meds so I’m kind of maxed out in that department (comfort level wise).
My daughter has exhibited the “anger” side of anxiety and we are working through it, but at 8, it is VERY challenging.
I really should go talk to my doc about it, shouldn’t I?
Kathy says
Thanks for your vulnerability here Merry. I, too, have anxiety (it’s better than it used to be) and was on meds for it. Take good care.
Merry Kuchle says
Thank you for commenting, Kathy. I still struggle with it but I think it has gotten better.
Supergirl says
You are AWESOME for sharing this! I have the opposite response of FLIGHT, but I totally get it. And yes, when I look back on my life, I too realize I was pretty much always like this from childhood. Cognitive behaviour therapy also helped me quite a bit with dealing with various “episodes”. I resented the idea of going at first, but it has turned out to be skills and coping mechanisms I can fall back on whenever/wherever I am. That, and knowing where all the bathrooms are…
Julia says
Merry, I just read this. Thanks for being so open and sharing your story. You are right, mental illness of all varieties needs to be discussed and treated in any way that we can to help. Lately, I have been feeling all those anxious feelings you have been talking about. It really is horrible. Thankfully, through some meditation (I know!) and other practices, it is helping for now. It is bloody awful. As moms, women, and just human beings there is enough stress to carry around as it is. So, thanks again so much for sharing your story. It was just what I needed this morning:) Happy to hear that you are getting what you need and are feeling better.