I can’t tell you when I first started trying to fit in. I can tell you that it never really worked. I’m not sure what makes me different in my head from everybody else. But it’s definitely something. Fitting in is something that we all think we want to do but I don’t seem to be willing to make a change in me that will make that actually happen.
In high school I never felt like I fit in because I was poor and I never had all the things that everyone else did. When the band went on trips I was always that kid who had to go in and figure out a way to raise the money to be able to afford it.
In university, I felt I fit in more than ever felt because everyone was different there. However, I did get a degree that I didn’t really want so that I could make money. Growing up poor meant that making money was the most important thing (the only thing) to make my life going forward different than it was in the past. So “passion” was NOT my first priority, earning potential was.
After University, I moved to Louisiana and worked in a chemical plant. It wasn’t what I wanted to do but it was a great paying job. I wore Nomex with my name on a patch. I learned a lot (including not to tell your boyfriend at the time that you made more money than him because you actually negotiated your salary…he worked at the same place I did). I made some friends but the “sportsman’s paradise” of Western Louisiana was not where I needed to be.
Then I move to Austin, I have to say that it was one of the happiest times of my life. I loved the people I loved my job. I felt super smart. I still have so many friends from that time. People who I may not talk to every day but still consider close friends. As with anything, though, things eventually changed and I decided to move on to different things. I interviewed in Europe for a job there. But then I decided to stay in North America and move to Canada with Dewey.
Once in Canada I was really out of my element. You see in the US I was considered ambitious but in Canada I was considered pushy. I would love to be able to tell you that I didn’t listen to any of the haters and that I thought I was just as awesome as I was when I was in Austin. That would be a lie.
Fourteen years later, I have some great friends in Calgary but I also have a lot of people who I bonded with over work that I don’t talk to at all any more. To be fair, lots happened good and bad. Much of it was my fault but some of it wasn’t. Much of it boiled down to the fact that it really is hard to care about the feelings of people who treat you like a friend only when you are convenient.
So now I’m at another crossroads in my life figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. One would think by 42 I might have that figured out. Instead I feel like it’s just one more place that I don’t fit in. I am not a high powered executive. I am not chasing my passion. I am not traveling the world. So what am I doing?
The blog is part of that to. I started this by writing about our life in Canada and what we were doing with my step kids and then later Evan. These days I don’t feel like I should be writing about the kids lives, though, because it’s their lives. They should be writing their own stories instead of me telling their stories from an outsider’s perspective.
So I’ve kind of felt a bit out of sorts about what to write. Oh and don’t forget the option to treat the blog like a business. You know, where you only post things that people search the internet for like recipes, party planning tips, crafts and all that jazz. I went down that path for the last year or so but now I look back across the blog and think where am I? I don’t see Merry anywhere to be found.
Oh and if you are treating your blog as a business, some will tell you there are rules about what you should and shouldn’t post, what you should and shouldn’t say. Anything you say could cause a brand not to work with you, someone to get mad at you, someone to block you..
I took this advice very seriously for a long time as you probably can tell from the blog. Unfortunately I’m now left with a vanilla mess and a feeling that I can;t actually say anything I think or care about. If you like the vanilla, you’ll probably see more of it but you might want to skip the posts that aren’t recipes or party planning or travel.
Because I’m about to start telling you what I really feel. And if that means that some of you don’t follow anymore, I’ll understand. Some of my universal truths have gotten lost in the shuffle. Things like
- I care about people more than my pocketbook.
- I don’t think being poor means you’re lazy.
- I think we should all help people who need help no matter who they are.
- I think we should all give more than we do and without expectations of how that gift is used.
- I think we should be nicer to each other.
- I think we should be loyal to those who deserve it but I think this fake expectation of loyalty when you give nothing in return is ridiculous.
- I think ADHD, depression and anxiety are real things. I think medications make a lot of people with these real issues able to function.
- I think vaccinations are good.
- I think racism is bad. And I don’t think that spotting racist epithets falls under your right to free speech.
- I stand with my Muslim friends, my friends of color, my LGBTQ friends and anyone else who finds themselves at the mercy of those trying to take their rights away.
Funny thing is, I think all of those are pretty normal things to think. Unfortunately, this crazy social media world will tell you differently. So basically I’m gonna find my tribe. The people who think like me. You may call it an echo chamber. But I call it finding where I fit in.
I am going to work on making THOSE relationship the ones I work on. Because if you don’t agree on some of those basic things, you’re probably not my people.
I have realized that I should not be trying to make myself smaller to make others happier. I have spent the last few years saying very little I think and trying not to piss off those who I know think exactly opposite of me. Here’s the thing…they don’t make themselves smaller to make ME happy so why am I doing it either?
I guess this is all to say I’m going to do a little less fitting in and a little more standing out. I hope you’ll come along for the ride. But I’m OK if you don’t because I won’t ask you to fit in either.
Jill says
Can I please be in your tribe?
Merry Kuchle says
You already are. 🙂
Kelly Bridges says
I feel like I could have wrote this EXACT POST. Holy crap let’s get together!!
Heather says
I love this Merry. Let it fly. I made a big change to my blog too and while I don’t see big branded gigs land in my lap anymore (this is also to do with where I live now, sigh, ) I am happier than ever with it. I hope you will be too.
Merry Kuchle says
Because some things are better than money. 🙂
Tammy Bell says
looking forward to the ride
Merry Kuchle says
Yay!
Randa Derkson says
There needs to be a gif option… I would have a standing ovation playing for you <3
Merry Kuchle says
We need a GIF option in every situation. MORE GIFS!
laura says
Oh Oh I want to be in your tribe! I LOVE the things you stand for–they ALL seem normal to me! <3
And I've NEVER fit in, not once in my entire life. I feel like now is the time to embrace it!
Merry Kuchle says
YES! No more fitting in!
Sandy says
I will be along for the ride! Love this Merry! I’m all about being true to who you are…and I love the things you are! I bet you felt great after hitting publish (albeit a little nervous). Way to go!
Merry Kuchle says
I was totally nervous! I wrote most of this with voice to text. So much easier to say it than write it!
Monica says
I loved reading this post, Merry! I believe many of us feel exactly the same or at least agree with much you have said.
You and I had the opportunity to briefly meet in Toronto, while we were at a blogging event. I was still relatively new to blogging and had never actually met any of the attendees in real life. I still remember how nice you were to me (and others) and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to tell you how much your authenticity meant to me.
I know you are going to be awesome writing from the mindset of the “real” Merry and look forward to reading all about it!
Merry Kuchle says
Thank you! I loved hanging out with you when we met!
Janet says
Can’t wait to read more! For the record I’m 43 and most days I feel like I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up 🤷🏼♀️ Nor do I feel like I belong to a group.
Merry Kuchle says
I’m beginning to think growing up is overrated.
Shaoron says
Everyone of your points…I BELIEVE as well. There are many people who belong in your tribe! Thank goodness! Keep on keeping on!
Joan says
This right here is what assures me you ARE my people. Let’s plan to get some time in being a tribe. For Reals. Not like “Let’s Do Lunch.” Just let me survive the last couple crazy weeks of June and we’ll have time to be. Just be. With peeps that get us.
Merry Kuchle says
Yes! But totally feel you on surviving June. May the force be with you.
Linda Cassidy says
well looks like your tribe is growing exponentially and I love it. I look forward to following a chocolate, pistachio or what every flavour you want journey. PS I believe in all that you do
Tracy says
Good for you. Being your authentic self is amazing and hopefully brings you a great tribe of supporters. I will definitely keep reading.
Jessica T says
I am totally feeling the exact same way! I do enjoy the sponsored brand stuff but I miss being me. I say you do you Merry and I’ll be along for the ride too!!
Knittinchick says
Preach it sister! That’s all awesome stuff.
After receiving unexpected news that my workplace was undergoing changes and my position was cut effective immediately, I am taking this as good news. I am going to go for a career that I don’t feel that I have to stop shining for others to feel good and I’m going to passionately go after work that is in line with who I am. My husband is fully in support of me and I feel free to say some of the things I need to these days. We are full out believing that this is going to be the place where we say “things started to turn around then” even though it doesn’t look exactly like it.
I feel all these things that you are saying!
Merry Kuchle says
So stressful BUT I know so many people who look back on times like this and say it was the best thing that ever happened.
Donna McTaggart says
So relate to you and your experiences. Agree with every poi t kn your list. And have been dealing with similar thoughts lately. I heart you, Merry. I’m with you.
Merry Kuchle says
I heart you right back!
Erin says
I love your honesty Merry. I’m one of your people. I just wish I could be one of your people more often. We need to meet up.
Paula Schuck says
For the record I never for one moment thought anything about you was vanilla, including your blog. I would follow you almost anywhere and look forward to seeing what comes next. Love who you are and that you wear your heart on your sleeve and are not afraid to tell it like it is. Also really got the part about being assertive in the US and then coming to Canada and having that be misinterpreted. Understandable.
Merry Kuchle says
You are my favourite! 💕💕
Abbey ~ Mind, Body, Babies says
I love this, and have been working on being more authentic myself but my blog doesn’t reflect that yet. Thanks for the inspiration!
Merry Kuchle says
Do it! We need more real in the world!
Stephania says
I’ve been following your blog a little more than 9 mo. Dewey gave me your blog info. You are (interesting – loaded word). I’ve watched you walk along the canal. We would be odd friends, years apart in age and even perhaps our orientation towards what is life, yet it would be nice to have a conversation with you. Dialogue without expectation is fun, relaxing and sometimes enlightening. Perhaps you will stop one day and we’ll just talk..
Merry Kuchle says
Any time!!!
Carl Bainbridge says
Honestly, I finally at 45 slid into the job I have wanted for years (situations did not allow the move before)
However, when it comes to the blog, the vast majority of what you say fits me. So much of me is watered out that it is difficult to even find a personality in my stuff anymore.
I have been diligently working on trying to get ME back to the surface but it is a long hard road ahead I think.
Merry Kuchle says
It can totally be difficult. Putting yourself out there opens you up to criticism and that is never fun.
Michelle Grant says
Awe shizz nic merry!
You go girl!
Find your tribe and let the tribe find you!
Your always welcome to tribe on with us in G!
Sounds like your reflection is encouraging to yourself!
Hugs, m.
Sara says
I love this!! Yay you for standing up for you! I have wanted to write this same piece for a very long time. Let’s stop being vanilla together and celebrate being who WE are everyday!