What is Anxiety Like? My Struggle With Anxiety
I'm republishing this look into the questions "What is Anxiety Like" for Bell Let's Talk Day 2019. Over the years, I have had many people reach out and thank me for writing about my struggle with anxiety. The common thread among the comments and emails is that they thought they were the only ones. They felt like they were the only ones who felt hopeless or not enough or angry. Please believe me when I say, you are not alone. You are enough and you are more than your anxiety. Talk to someone, get the help you need and reach out. This post was first published in October of 2013.
What is Anxiety Like?
My heart is pounding and I have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm also breathing faster and a bit shallower. All because I am writing a post about something that I've kept hidden from myself and others for years.
Anxiety.
It has been a part of my psyche for so long that I honestly never knew it had a name. I always thought people felt those feelings when someone questioned their work or when they were in a stressful situation. It feels like that fight or flight feeling that people mention. For years I have felt it and I always resorted to the FIGHT response. I fought with everyone about everything. Any disagreement felt like a personal attack and the only way to quiet that feeling inside was to fight. If I'm honest though, it never quieted it for very long.
When I think back, I think I've felt this way since I was a little girl but it got worse....much worse...after Evan was born. Being a new mom and being convinced that I wouldn't be able to keep Evan alive (sad, neurotic but true) ate me up inside. I would love to tell you that it got better after he got older but I would be lying. It just got worse. Add to that the stress at work, normal issues with marriage, parenting, step-parenting and more and I was a basket case.
However, I never called it anxiety. I just called it ANGRY. Yep. I was mad at everything and everybody. I'm sure I was a real peach to be around. I could not explain why I was so angry about even the smallest mundane issues but I was. It was causing issues in so many ways in so many circumstances. In April, I quit my job hoping that I would find some relief. It helped but the feelings were still there.
Finding Answers: Anxiety Diagnosis
One day I wrote to a friend of mine and said: "I don't know what to do but I am SO DAMN ANGRY ALL THE TIME!" She said "Do you think you have anxiety? Maybe you should talk to your doctor. It can't hurt."
I made an appointment for the next day so that I wouldn't talk myself out of it. I've always prided myself in just sucking it up. I've been through a lot in my life and I've never "needed" "help". Uh huh...right. The next day I went into the doctor's office and explained what I was feeling. They boiled it down to anxiety was causing me to be irritable. It was such an understatement that I almost laughed out loud. I reminded myself that no matter what they called it, it needed to change. Less than an hour later I left with a prescription for anti-anxiety meds.
Meds.
Sigh. I am not a card-carrying member of better living through pharmaceuticals. I pretty much take Advil and that's it. However, I sucked it up and took them. At first, they made me nauseous and tired all the time. Thankfully nausea went away within a few days, unfortunately, the tiredness did not. However, the change to my psyche after a few weeks was amazing. I am happy. I don't yell as much (I still yell...hell I always will). When people disagree with me I think "um...okay...maybe they are right". Dewey says the whole thing is a bit alien invasion at times which always makes me laugh.
So why am I telling you this?
I believe that mental illnesses like anxiety are real and they are illnesses. There should NOT be a stigma around them that keeps people like me white knuckling through their lives. Taking a medication that makes you a better wife/mom/stepmom/person should be OKAY and not something that we need to keep hidden. I am proud to say that I am getting my anxiety under control with the help of a tiny white pill.
You can read more about my struggle in my posts Living With Anxiety aka Anxiety is an Asshole and The Lonely Side of Anxiety.
Anxiety Facts
- Definition: Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by chronic feelings of excessive worry and anxiety without a specific cause. Individuals with generalized anxiety disorder often feel on edge, tense, and jittery. Someone with generalized anxiety disorder may worry about minor things, daily events, or the future. These feelings are accompanied by physical complaints such as elevated blood pressure, increased heart rate, muscle tension, sweating, and shaking. from About.com
- The Public Health Agency of Canada says "Combined anxiety disorders affect approximately 12% of Canadians: about 9% of men and 16% of women during a one-year period. As a group, anxiety disorders represent the most common of all mental illnesses."
- Women are twice as likely to suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (what I have) as men.
Anxiety Symptoms
from MayoClinic.org.
- Feeling nervous, restless or tense
- Having a sense of impending danger, panic or doom
- Having an increased heart rate
- Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
- Sweating
- Trembling
- Feeling weak or tired
- Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry
- Having trouble sleeping
- Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems
- Having difficulty controlling worry
- Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety
Almost 6 years later and I am still on my anxiety medication. I would love to tell you that everything is all better and I never struggle anymore. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Meds make my struggle with anxiety bearable. Knowing why I feel the way I do lets me look at my feelings logically and move on from them. Day to day life is hard. Today, I am happier to say that it is made a bit easier by the knowledge of "what is anxiety like" and how it makes my brain react to situations.
Did this article help you? Consider sharing it with others!
Thanks for sharing this. My family has a huge history of anxiety, mental illness and self medicating. Mine is untreated because I don't think it's as bad as everyone else's and I am worried about the side effects of taking medication.
But I'll be the first to admit that I am a basket case a lot of the time, I sleep poorly, I feel like I am failing everyone most of the time and I am also angry, so very angry especially when I am stressed but I never really associated it with my anxiety. Maybe it's time to take a trip to my doctor.
I never made the connection either. I thought "This can't be anxiety. Anxiety means you are afraid." Little did I know that anxiety presenting itself as anger is actually pretty common.
I too suffer from anxiety and just recently FINALLY started counseling to get help with it. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and it manifested in me the same way it did you. I was ANGRY and so very irrational with my thoughts. The fight or flight response is exactly what would happen with me. Just last night something bothered me that really shouldn't have and I broke down. I cried and cried frustrated tears at the feeling that I couldn't express myself properly and I was pushing so many people away. I told my psychiatrist that I was afraid to get rid of my anxiety because it's all I've ever known. I don't know how I will be as a person without it and that scares me and ironically gives me anxiety.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and reminding me that I'm not the only person who suffers with anxiety.
You definitely aren't the only one! Amazingly with my anxiety calmed down I feel more myself than I have in years. I was the same as you in that I was afraid that it would change me to the point that I would become another person. My husband says I am very different mostly because I let things roll off my back that would have caused a fight before. From my perspective, it just feels like I'm not freaking out all the time which is awesome. Hugs to you and good luck on your journey.
Thank you and good luck to you too!
I think you're incredibly brave to share this. Hopefully it feels like a weight off your shoulder. I don't think secrets help anyone. The more we communicate, the more help you can offer to others. Proud of you!
Thank you, Jody. I agree...secrets help no one. It's still hard to talk about though because there are real stigmas associated with mental health issues in society.
Thanks for sharing Merry, its so hard to put something so personal out there and you did it!
You are very brave. Thank you so much for sharing this. You have no idea how many people you have helped.
Thank you for being brave and sharing your story so openly. (Hugs) it's never easy.
In my extended family, anxiety is so common that we even have our own little name for it. For years though, no one really talked about it. It's only been with the next generation being more open about their own experiences that we've realized we have nothing to gain by keeping it hidden anymore. In fact, being able to talk about it and knowing you're not alone has made it easier to manage, I think.
I empathize with you a lot on this Merry. I have a lot of anxiety too. Usually I manage to cope with it fairly well. Sometimes though when I have additional stresses causing me anxiety, I'll have that real anger too. Knowing where it's coming from helps me manage it, and not get so panicky and angry with how I'm dealing with things on top of the anxiety itself. Hearing people's stories like you have helped me identify what I'm going through and help me see that I may need help at some point and that's okay.
I am so proud of you for sharing this Merry. My family has a history of depression and it is so hard when your worst enemy is yourself. I am glad you took the step and got the help you needed to fight it. Sending lots of love.
I'm so very proud of you Merry.
I am so glad I was pointed in the direction of this post! While my anxiety hasn't brought me to the level of taking medication for it, it's a very real struggle every day and there IS such an unfortunate stigma surrounding it. You mention panic attack enough times and people start to think you're crying wolf. Unfortunately for some of us, panic attacks aren't a one time thing, and the wolf is very real. Thank you for sharing. I am happy you have found something that works for you!
Merry,
I have anxiety too. In the past year the doctor put me on Paxil and it's helped immensely. At first I was on the control release one. But I eventually moved to the regular one and take it at night before bed. That seems to help some.
So proud of you for writing this post. It's very encouraging and who knows how many you have encouraged to get help because of it.
Those, like you, who choose to bring their battles public like this are warriors. Applauding you!
Thank you merry for posting this! I really needed it I've been hiding and dealing with a lot lately and feeling guilty for feeling this way I finally went to the doctor a few weeks ago they diagnosed me with OCD. I truly feel unworthy or awful about myself for things out of my control but I'm starting to feel some better after I started my medication!
Oh Summer...Hugs to you! I'm so glad I posted it. It is so hard to feel alone and like you are the only "crazy" one. I totally felt that all the time and I had no idea what to do. It definitely helps whey you find out that there are people around that are going through the same thing. I am so glad you are starting to feel better!
Thanks for sharing this. You are amazing. I suffer from anxiety and have a social phobia that at the worst of times, has made me unable to leave the house for weeks.
For so long, I was just written off as moody because in my culture; it's almost taboo to talk about mental health issues. I was aware of my problem, but fearful of how to approach it. It's not something I could talk about with my Mom until I was an adult, because it made her so uncomfortable if I even so much as broached the subject.
I'm much better now, but still have my off days. I'm so glad you're getting the help you need!
Lots of love.
Hi Mary,
Thank you for sharing. Mental illness has been a huge part of my life, my sister recently started a blog to build more awareness out of it. I am really proud of her.
http://mentalhealthmama.wordpress.com/
Thanks
Ashley
I am so proud of you for sharing your experience and struggle with anxiety. I suffer from the same, generalized anxiety disorder. I believe I have had it my entire life but never thought I would have the same disorder my mom had.
I've written about my experiences a few times on my blog.
I am always here if you need someone to vent to or a shoulder to lean on.
Applauding you. Anger as a symptom of an underlying mental health issue is so common, and so underestimated. I'm glad you got some help.
Big hugs to you, Merry. Anxiety is in our family, too. Kevin has struggled with it for years, and my Mom has had anxiety as long as I remember. Growing up was hard because she, like you described, would be happy and then outright angry for seemingly no reason.
I discovered that I have anxiety tendencies too, but as I've gotten older I figured out what triggered it, what feeds it, and how to control it. I still have off days (especially when I'm PMSing), but so far so good. I'm not looking forward to menopause.
I think being aware and doing something about it is important, and I'm so glad that you found what works for you. Talking about it helps!
The more people open up about mental illness, hopefully, the less it will be stimatized. I grew up with a schizophrenic mother and the stigma was a huge stress on us as children.